Balloons and Depression. Wowza.

fell asleep on the couch last night watching Conan, jason was bogarting the MAC so he could finish up his ADD podcast all night. Good thing our couch is the comfiest thing EVER. that and i have a new bff called a heating pad. turn that puppy on and i'm out for a solid 12 hrs. anyway, woke up to jason shaking me while holding his stupid iPhone that's blaring NPR. i looked at him with one eye open and he said, "i got up early!" i wanted to say, "congrats, leave me alone." instead i got up and did my usual morning routine of putting a long sleeve shirt over whatever i'm wearing and stumbling out to the car to take him to work. when i opened charlotte's bedroom door to get her ready she was exiting her walk in closet with the deflated chuck e. cheese balloons leftover from her birthday. she looked happy as a clam that she found them. i, however, thought i'd thrown them away. dammit.

i've been thinking of my dad a lot lately. this is the first pregnancy i've gone through without him with us. and for some reason, i think about it constantly. i dream about him almost every night. i was looking through my wedding album on Saturday night and the page fell open to a pic of me and my Dad laughing together. and i totally lost it. i completely and totally bawled my eyes out for a solid hour. things didn't get much better on Sunday either. my whole family, cousins, aunts, and uncles included were going through all of Granny's extensive collection of family photos. my aunt brought in a picture and handed it to me. it was another one of me and my dad, me just hanging on him, him smiling. my heart shattered into millions of tiny pieces. i said, "wow, thank you!" and then excused myself to the bathroom to cry in privacy. heard Bay City Rollers "Bye Bye Baby" last night on the way home and cried. my dad LOVED oldies. its funny because anytime i'm crying over him, i can hear him saying, "Stop your crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" in his wonderful cheerful joking voice. i miss him so much i feel as though a HUGE part of my heart is just missing......i guess it is.

well, that's enough for me today. charlotte's concerned about the tears streaming down my face and i think she's got something rotting in her diaper.
sorry for the "intense" post. i just needed to get that off my chest.......