For Those That Don't Understand.

This is the third night in a row that I've been unable to rest peacefully. The re-occuring dreams of my Dad haunt me nightly. I love them so much, so very precious to me. But the waking up part is hard, because I can't bring him into reality with me.
With Father's Day fast approaching, I find myself upset and aggravated with all the greeting cards, commercials, and frequent reminders to show your Dad how much you care. I always loved Father's Day. I used to write my Dad a letter every year telling him just how much I loved and appreciated him, along with new slippers or a fishing license. My mom told me that my Dad kept every single letter/note I'd ever written him and actually went through and read them the week that he passed away. Knowing that he knew exactly how much I loved him gives me such peace. I wrote him a letter for Father's Day this year, I'm going to go somewhere alone that night and look up to the heavens and pour my soul out. Tell him just how special he was and is to me. It's been a year and a half and I still feel like my heart's broken.

This pregnancy has been kicking my ass. I can't remember ever being this emotional, and I mean ever. Jason's working a lot which means we don't see him often. Charlotte and I spend most of our days playing pretend, cleaning house and then destroying it, baking, watching kid flicks. She's gotten so big, so long, so tall! She's been cuddling me like it's going out of style lately. I think she knows something about me isn't quite right. I'm taking advantage of it all before I'm too big to cuddle her back without the belly between us. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful little person like her to bring me such happiness and friendship. Now if only I could stop crying for 5 seconds. I promise you I'm laughing half the time. I'm not all tears and sadness, just this month.

My close friend Codi is getting married on Saturday. It's going to be so beautiful and terribly fun. She's marrying my friend Simon. They're perfect for each other in every way. I just cut Simon's hair last week to prepare for this weekend, and I have the upmost honor of doing Codi's hair for the wedding day. Tomorrow will consist of me packing a huge bag of hair supplies and trinkets to prepare for Saturday. She's going to make the most gorgeous bride.

So wish me luck and a great weekend. I'll post hopefully a very refreshed and uplifting blog on Monday.
Now, perhaps I can sleep just a little bit tonight.........

Balloons and Depression. Wowza.

fell asleep on the couch last night watching Conan, jason was bogarting the MAC so he could finish up his ADD podcast all night. Good thing our couch is the comfiest thing EVER. that and i have a new bff called a heating pad. turn that puppy on and i'm out for a solid 12 hrs. anyway, woke up to jason shaking me while holding his stupid iPhone that's blaring NPR. i looked at him with one eye open and he said, "i got up early!" i wanted to say, "congrats, leave me alone." instead i got up and did my usual morning routine of putting a long sleeve shirt over whatever i'm wearing and stumbling out to the car to take him to work. when i opened charlotte's bedroom door to get her ready she was exiting her walk in closet with the deflated chuck e. cheese balloons leftover from her birthday. she looked happy as a clam that she found them. i, however, thought i'd thrown them away. dammit.

i've been thinking of my dad a lot lately. this is the first pregnancy i've gone through without him with us. and for some reason, i think about it constantly. i dream about him almost every night. i was looking through my wedding album on Saturday night and the page fell open to a pic of me and my Dad laughing together. and i totally lost it. i completely and totally bawled my eyes out for a solid hour. things didn't get much better on Sunday either. my whole family, cousins, aunts, and uncles included were going through all of Granny's extensive collection of family photos. my aunt brought in a picture and handed it to me. it was another one of me and my dad, me just hanging on him, him smiling. my heart shattered into millions of tiny pieces. i said, "wow, thank you!" and then excused myself to the bathroom to cry in privacy. heard Bay City Rollers "Bye Bye Baby" last night on the way home and cried. my dad LOVED oldies. its funny because anytime i'm crying over him, i can hear him saying, "Stop your crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" in his wonderful cheerful joking voice. i miss him so much i feel as though a HUGE part of my heart is just missing......i guess it is.

well, that's enough for me today. charlotte's concerned about the tears streaming down my face and i think she's got something rotting in her diaper.
sorry for the "intense" post. i just needed to get that off my chest.......

rotten BBQ.

after dropping jason off @ work, i've come home to the most disgusting smell of rotting old bbq. its in the trashcan, left on the dishes. the kitchen table is pulled out into the middle of the room. and i'm feeling like vomiting. so i put off going in there until i absolutely have to. i've even sent Charlotte into the kitchen to throw things away. she does happily. i'm a horrible mother. at least i've got a load of laundry going. i'm not a complete and total failure.

i've been super emotional letting go of Charlotte's babyhood and accepting her graduation into a toddler. a moment ago, the two of us were looking @ pictures of her as a baby. she kept saying....."momma. ME! momma. ME! PAPA!!!!! me!" of course, i started crying. she grabbed my face and said, "oh momma....love me." and then gave me a kiss and snuggled into the crook of my arm. heartbreaking yet healing.

i did 6 haircuts in two hours and got paid for one yesterday. nice. in the middle of working on updos for the two weddings i've been hired to do this summer. need more clients in Lawrence....tell your friends.

trying to decide if i should pixie cut all my hair off again or continue growing my momcore mullet.........

and yes. this will get more interesting.....i promise.